Aussie Tourism FAQs

This one is way old, so chances are that you’ve already seen it. It dates back to the build up for the Sydney Olympics in 2000 and I do recall seeing it on an official tourism website at the time, but since I couldn’t find it the other day I thought I’d best save it off for posterity.

The Australia FAQ
Nationalities of the people asking questions are given in brackets.

Q: I have never seen it rain on Australian TV shows, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water…

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia?(Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
A: Let’s not touch this one.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in
Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns,
Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?(USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.

Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the
pacific which does not… oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every
Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? ( USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? ( UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering
Ger-man-y, which is…oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays
every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races.
Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? ( France)
A: No, WE don’t stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? ( France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? ( Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we’ll import them.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU
come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely
handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in
Australia, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in
trees. ( USA )
A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called
because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking
underneath them.

You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want
to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you
help?(USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first.